Chainge

Why did I come here?
Was it the right choice?

I sit down with my pen.
I remember my voice.

I try to hear my own heart, while the world makes its noise.

I sit and stare as tears stream
and as my head hangs low…

I look out, then look inward,
and just wish I could know -

Is this the right path, or is it just one more blow?

One more hit to the system of my self-esteem?

One more rock to disrupt my life’s free-slowing stream?

Am I forcing too much?
Making hasty decisions?
Following through with too many dreams, wishes and visions?

Should I just turn back now
to what I knew before,
to the life that knew me
just that little bit more?

I feel like I’ve failed
to see what I’d been handed.
Though that life was tough,
This is too - I’ll be candid.

I’m supremely exhausted
from not knowing a home,
from not being embraced
to my core; to my bone…

From seeking out solace
in change and free will…
Though I give thanks to those too,
I now yearn to be still.

So, my doubts dance before me,
And my fears, and confusion…
I’m tired, I’m weary,
I long to know the conclusion.

I long for some steadiness -
for this ship that’s sailed far
to be docked, to gaze up
at just one guiding star…

To move only when ready,
to bob along on the water,
lightly, not too heavy,
like a late-morning saunter.

I long for a feeling
of certainty - surrender -
and I reprimand myself
for making this chance more slender…

For generating more change,
more storms to sail through,
For creating more newness,
giving myself more to do.

For unsettling my gentle-souled child as she grows;
For leaning in to the thought of ‘Let’s try it… Who knows?’

For drifting away
from all that we knew
to a path once again winding
and once again new.

I know my heart called me here,
yet still I have questions.
So I pour out this ink
as I sit in reflection.

I do know what I want,
yet when I move toward it,
I wonder if I’m ‘wrong’,
if my plans will be thwarted.

I wish that my feet
were as steady as trees…
But then, to be human
is to bend at the knees
and to beg for forgiveness,
plead for guidance and grace…
Most of all, for belonging,
for my own special place
in the hearts of my loved ones,
in a love greater than me…
God, I want to he held
so I can finally feel free.
God, I long to be held,
so I can finally just be.

Image by Ahmed Zayan  via Unsplash